A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can't stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don't smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted twice since I've been here in your office, but you didn't even notice." "I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week." The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts reek." The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let's work on your hearing."
Q. What do a coffin and a condom have in common? A. They're both filled with stiffs - except one's coming and one's going.
Abu Qatada joins Alex Reid, Peter Andre and Leandro in the long list of men who refuse to go back to Jordan.
Went with a high class prostitute last night. I knew she was posh when her fanny smelled of salmon instead of kippers.
Kissing the back of someone's neck is a sensuous thing to do. Unless it's a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Just this minute heard someone at work moaning. I didn't get the whole story. Something about, "All I got was a text saying, I've had a beautiful baby boy born at 07:15, weighing ...'". Blah blah blah. I interrupted her and asked her if she preferred a text saying, "Yeah the ugly fecker, boy or girl, who knows, popped out during my first fag of the day ...". *stern face* Hey, I thought it was funny, made me laugh anyway. True story. Sorry for the interruption, I'll get me coat.
Why chocolate is better than sex One for those of you who like chocolate: -- You can GET chocolate. -- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft. -- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. -- You can have chocolate in in public. -- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind. -- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. -- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. -- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate. -- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. -- You can have chocolate at any time of the month. -- You are never too young or too old for chocolate. -- Size doesn't matter -- though more is still better.
A trucker enters a diner, sits down at the counter and the waitress comes over hands him a menu and says "What'll ya have?" The trucker says," Got any chilli?" The waitress says, "No, I just sold my last bowl to the guy sitting next to you." The trucker looks over at the guy next to him, and notices that he looks like he's mostly finished with his meal 'cept for the bowl of chilli sitting there on the counter. So, the trucker asks the guy, "Hey, are you gonna eat that?" To which the man replied, "Naw, you go right ahead." So, the trucker starts eating the chilli, which tasted mighty good to him. Well, he got about halfway through with it, and sees a dead mouse laying at the bottom of the bowl. UP COMES THE CHILLI!!!! Right back into the bowl!! The guy next to him says," Yep, that's about as far as I got with it too!"
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Phoned her up for a second date but unfortunately she had popped her clogs!
I'm combining Easter and April Fool's day this year. I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden.
I went back to the local supermarket. "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar has got lumps in it." "sir, those are pickled onions!"
Bill Gates is about to launch his new condom onto the market. With Windows track record for avoiding viruses, I'll be giving it a miss.....
My mate got an STD after sticking his dick in a bottle of cleaning fluid. Doctors think it's Cif-ilis.
My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth that you don't want to. Then she fed me broccoli, which seemed like double standards
