My wife hates it when I say, "You're just like your mother!" Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.
My mate and I were talking about my long term mistress earlier: "I like her a lot more than my wife" I said. "Really?" he asked. "Yeah" I replied, "my wife can't stand her."
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.
Much to my surprise, my smoke detector starting talking. It told me I was the best guy in the world. I was handsome, the most intelligent person it'd had ever known. I later found out it was only massaging my ego in the hope of receiving favours. It was a false alarm.
I'm sat here wondering how Noel Edmonds has not been implicated in the kiddy fiddling investigation. Look at the evidence. 1. He held a house party each week with children always invited to play with 'Mr Blobby'. 2. He has a fucking beard.
Our seven year old daughter's been asking us for a horse for her birthday and it's got me worried. I think she may have found my porn mags.
After discussions in parliament the government have decided what to do with the old BBC television centre. The British Museum of Paedophilia opens June 2014.
Q. What's the difference between the French and a piece of toast? A. You can make soldiers out of toast.
Paddy is in bed with a girl. Things are getting amorous. The girl whispers, "Why don't you slip on a condom." Paddy says, "I might hurt me back falling over."
As she was treating the cuts to my head, the nurse at A&E asked me how it had happened. I said "I asked my barber to cut my hair like David Blunkett".
Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
There is no truth in the rumour that Katie Price has performed Hamlet in just 10 minutes. But she has pulled off Twelve Angry Men in less than 2 minutes.
Q. Why do cabinet ministers never meet on the same street where prostitutes ply their trade? A. Professional courtesy.
A bra walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you." "Why not?" asks the bra. "Because you're already off your tits, that's why not."
