Apparently North Korea deployed their missiles after witnessing America's stealth bombers exercising over South Korea. I don't think America has quite grasped the meaning of the word 'stealth'.
Thought I'd set a new personnel best in the bedroom last night. One hour and fifty eight seconds, then realised the fucking clocks had gone forward!
My mother asked me to go round the shop and get her some milk. As I approached the shop a group of 14-17 year olds approached me and said "oi get us some beer will you?" I told them to wait around the corner so nobody would see me getting them beer. Easiest 40 quid I've ever made. That should teach those little cunts some manners.
I've been awake all night trying to work out, if I can persuade my wife that the clocks always go back an hour and never forwards, do we eventually get back to the day before I met her?
My wife says she wants it a bit rougher in bed. So I've changed the sheets for sandpaper and filled her pillow with bricks.
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing." And you can't remember what it is.....
"Doctor, Doctor I'm shaking and I don't know why." "I told you this last week, you've got Parkinsons and Alzheimers."
Easter Sunday - a celebration of the day Jesus decided Heaven was so dull he could only cope with 3 days.
In the pub today, I asked the barmaid for a pint of lager. She left a gap at the top of the glass. I asked, "Is there room in that for a some lime, or lemonade?" "Yes." she said. "Well, fill it with fucking lager then." I replied.
"Andy Murray wins Miami Masters against David Ferrer" That'll save you watching Sky Sports News for the next 4 days.
Paulo di Canio's controversial appointment as Sunderland manager has begun in earnest , after the alleged racist declared that the team will henceforth be known as " The White cats ".