Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 97 of 470
  1. Apparently North Korea deployed their missiles after witnessing America's stealth bombers exercising over South Korea.


    I don't think America has quite grasped the meaning of the word 'stealth'.
     
    #1921 El Toro, Mar 30, 2013
  2. Just watched a Movie called, "No satellite signal is being received".

    Boring is not the word.
     
    #1922 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Thought I'd set a new personnel best in the bedroom last night. One hour and fifty eight seconds, then realised the fucking clocks had gone forward!
     
    #1923 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  4. My mother asked me to go round the shop and get her some milk. As I approached the shop a group of 14-17 year olds approached me and said "oi get us some beer will you?" I told them to wait around the corner so nobody would see me getting them beer.

    Easiest 40 quid I've ever made. That should teach those little cunts some manners.
     
    #1924 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  5. I've been awake all night trying to work out, if I can persuade my wife that the clocks always go back an hour and never forwards, do we eventually get back to the day before I met her?
     
    #1925 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Man Dies After Buried Alive World Record Attempt.

    Presumably he got the record?
     
    #1926 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
  7. Everyone lost an hour last night.

    Or if you watched 'The Voice', two and a half hours.
     
    #1927 Rudolph Hart, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  8. My wife says she wants it a bit rougher in bed.

    So I've changed the sheets for sandpaper and filled her pillow with bricks.
     
    #1928 Rudolph Hart, Mar 31, 2013
  9. Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

    She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

    He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

    She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
     
    #1929 Rudolph Hart, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing."

    And you can't remember what it is.....
     
    #1930 Rudolph Hart, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  11. "Doctor, Doctor I'm shaking and I don't know why."

    "I told you this last week, you've got Parkinsons and Alzheimers."
     
    #1931 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Just unwrapped an easter egg a mate bought me back from Cyprus and half of it was fucking missing.
     
    #1932 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Easter Sunday - a celebration of the day Jesus decided Heaven was so dull he could only cope with 3 days.
     
    #1933 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
  14. Easter Sunday. That one day that Jesus gave the middle finger to YOLO.
     
    #1934 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  15. In the pub today, I asked the barmaid for a pint of lager.

    She left a gap at the top of the glass.

    I asked, "Is there room in that for a some lime, or lemonade?"

    "Yes." she said.

    "Well, fill it with fucking lager then." I replied.
     
    #1935 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  16. "Andy Murray wins Miami Masters against David Ferrer"

    That'll save you watching Sky Sports News for the next 4 days.
     
    #1936 El Toro, Mar 31, 2013
  17. Paulo di Canio's controversial appointment as Sunderland manager has begun in earnest , after the alleged racist declared that the team will henceforth be known as " The White cats ".
     
    #1937 El Toro, Apr 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  18. My wife gave me money and said "Go get something that will make me look sexy"

    So I came back drunk
     
    #1938 El Toro, Apr 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 2
  19. I hate Easter.

    Every year my wife calls my cock Jesus and tries to raise it from the dead.
     
    #1939 El Toro, Apr 1, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?

    A: A f*cking know-it-all.
     
    #1940 Rudolph Hart, Apr 1, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 97 of 470
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information