On my first day working in a supermarket yesterday, an old lady asked me where she could find crab paste. I sent her to the Chemist.
Finally persuaded my girlfriend to suck my balls last night. She'll kill me when she finds out you can buy golf ball cleaners.
> I once knew a dental nurse who loved blow jobs and smoking weed. > > She was known as 'oral high Jean'. > > xxxxxxxxxx > > > > Just had a parcel from Holland, it was a rubber fanny. That's nice I > thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam' ! > > > > xxxxxxxxxx > > > > My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for > theft ! > > At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were > there. > > > > xxxxxxxxxx > > > > A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn > on the dish washer. > > I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does > the trick. > > > > xxxxxxxxxx > > > > My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship. Whether > she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all ! > > > > xxxxxxxxxx > > > > A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window > reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says > to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To > which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour !" > > > > xxxxxxxxxx > > > > Everyone's a comedian nowadays. > > Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a > gag ! > > When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem !" > > > > xxxxxxxxxxx
I went mad when my wife walked in with a pair of £600 shoes "because they make her feel good." And she's got the nerve to fucking moan when I spend £150 on a hooker to make me feel the same.
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because its there? Thats why i'm no longer a gynaecologist...
My wife caught me in bed with her sister this morning. Before she could utter a word, I shouted, "April Fool!" The silly bitch fell for it.
A police officer is claiming compensation from a garage owner, after injuring herself tripping over a kerb. I hope the judge awards her £20 so she can get her fucking eyes tested.
I went to a fancy dress party last night and saw a fat lass dressed as Dracula getting stuck into the food. Vampire the buffet slayer.
I was watching a film last night when i paused it so i could go for a piss. Lost my job as the local cinema projectionist!
I said to my 13 year old daughter, "Will you put that cigarette out at the dining table please?" "Why?" She asked "Because your setting a bad example for your children"
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." The judge says to the defendant accused of a double murder "You bastard !!" yells Paddy from the back of the courtroom The judge then says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." "You rotten bastard !!" Paddy yells The judge stops and says to Paddy "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but any more outbursts from you, and I'll have to charge you with contempt of court. Is that understood ?" Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one !!“
Apparently people in the UK fall into 7 social classes - Elite, Established middle class, Technical middle class, New affluent workers, Traditional working class, Emergent service workers and precarious proletariat. They missed out the class that go on Jeremy Kyle and shop at Argos
I'm not saying Man City are brilliant or anything but Carlos Tevez has clocked up more points on his driving licence than QPR have managed all season.
