Just bought Whitney Houston's greatest hits collection on Ebay. Was a stupid buy, no idea what I'm going to do with 92 burnt spoons and 295 syringes ?
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO ! I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITHYOU !"All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he wastruly embarrassed and moved to another table.After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's tableand said with a laugh"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess youfelt embarrassed, right?The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT ? . . ..THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH !"All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
Pain is the part of the tattoo process that makes you appreciate them more. I love mine, even though it tore off some ball hair when I peeled off the paper.
Hospitals report that the hearts of cabinet ministers are in strong demand by transplant patients because they've never been used.
Q. What is the difference between a dead cat on the motorway & a dead government minister on the motorway? A. There are skid marks in front of the cat.
"I see you've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife. "Shut up," I replied, "and get this fucking mattress off me."
One by one, all of my best mates have started to become interested in men as well as women. So I'm just sitting here, watching the world go bi.
My wife went to Spain for two weeks for a company training session. I drove her to the airport, we hugged and she said, "Honey, is there anything you'd like me to bring back for you?" I replied, "Yes, a Spanish girl!" My wife didn't reply and headed off to catch her plane. Two weeks later we met back at the airport. "How was the trip?" I asked. She said, "Splendid thank you." I said, "Where is my present?" "What present?" she hesitated. "The Spanish girl." I chuckled. "Oh," she laughed, "I did what I could, now we have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl."
I really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't turn nuclear. Britain is well out of Korea's missile range, but it's pretty fucking likely a few of America's would land on us.
President Obama met Bill Clinton for lunch. "I was sorry to hear about Hillary's concussion," Obama said. "How's her head?" "It's fine," Bill replied. "But she's no Monica."
Susie is staying at a health farm for a few weeks and starts an affair with a young man half her age. On her last evening, they are lying in bed. "David," says Susie, "we've spent so many wonderful hours together, but I don't even know your last name. What is it?" "Snow," says David. Susie bursts into a fit of giggles. "What's so funny?" says David. "Is it my name?" "Yes and no," says Susie, still giggling. "I just pictured myself telling my husband I had 10 inches of snow in the middle of July."
Why do 9 out of 10 female pornstars say this? "Go on baby, spray it on my face" that's 6 keyboards completely fucked now.
Went into the office this morning and found the new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, I asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She pointed out the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats."
