Being 'bitter and twisted' is quite normal, I think it's an injustice when that term is lightly banded about/used to label someone in pain. You have every right to feel that way. I also think it's important to remember these feelings and recognize them for what they are and what has brought you to this point. However, these events should not define you as man, or they'll fix you at a point in time that will hold you back. The stoic approach is to recognize that we have zero control over people and events, the only control we have is how we choose to react to them. Wise words, but tough to follow when dealing with such primeval emotions. From what I've seen with friends and family, the sooner it's acknowledged the relationship is over the better. The OP is in shock and is trying his best to forgive and save what he knows and loves (this makes him easy to take advantage of). However, his missus is already stepping into the future and planning her new life.
Wise words @Nelson My post might have implied that being bitter and twisted is my way forward, this isn't the case. More the recognition that this is a problem and needs to be dealt with to enable me to do so. I'm a few stages ahead of LumBux so can see exactly where he is right now, it's utterly miserable buddy, but please be reassured that it does get better in stages with the inevitable two steps forward, one back, pattern. Be strong and strive for goals that will improve your lot. Concentrate on yourself with one eye on your children, the ex, as you say, is now a different person and not worthy of you.
I really can’t make my mind up if I should speak to a some one, work have a help line but my mod is so up and down I’m not sure it will help if I speak to then when I’m feeling ok.
Talk with someone Lumbux, but a professional counsellor, they'll be able to bring stuff out of you, they'll be able to help regardless of what your mood is on the day/time your meet and will have the experience to help you through this. The last thing you want is someone who says either a) 'pull your socks up man', or b) 'she's a bitch, you poor mistreated thing'. You need someone who's detached and experienced in dealing with people in your current* situation. * always remember it is current, it will pass, it may not seem that way at the moment but it will
Mood swings are normal at this time. You've nothing to lose by talking to someone, if it's like where I used to work, they'll probably want to establish relationship and monitor/help you while you're going through this.
So been very low the last few days, not help today by noticing the hickeys on my wife’s neck not put there by me. Divorce papers started, mortgage application in, just need her gone now so I can move on, won’t be able to do it while she’s still in the house. Don’t want to stay in the house as that was our home but don’t have a choice as it will cost nearly 10 grand to get out of the mortgage. It’s less next year so may put it up for sale next year, may be fine there so will see. I’m going to ring the works help line tomorrow and see if I can get some help, I’m really starting to struggle, still having bad arguments, I’m so jealousy of him. She stayed out with him on Saturday night. Never thought she would break my heart like this!!
She's actually walking around the house with love bites from this bloke? FFS! Is she that fucking heartless!
Lumbux I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you are better off without her in the long run. Trust me you will get your life back together and meet someone else and wonder what all the fuss was about. It takes time and is a process but it will get better I can assure you.
Really feel for you Lumbux. Your soon to be ex-wife doesn't sound like a particularity nice person to be frank, painful though it maybe once you can get her out of your life things will improve immeasurably. Hopefully she won't be spiteful and nasty in the future as you have children you will need to have a parental relationship. Try and be calm take the moral high ground without banging a drum about it if you can. If you can both be reasonable, mediate rather than go to court and accept that you will loose half of everything to her the quicker it'll be over. These days, after the children have been taken into account, there needs to be either a pre-nup or some other extraordinary reason for the division of marital assets to be other than 50/50 in an established marriage.
I’m sorry your having to put up with this Lumbux it’s disgusting behaviour on her part. She should be making this transition as painless as she can I asked my ex hubby to move to his mums to give me some space perhaps she could do that much for you. Please use the works helpline feeling down or up tell them how you feel at both times
and don't forget to keep the diary. It's sad to say Divorce (and lawyers*) bring out the worst in people in situations like this and you need all the swords and shields you can get. * Even I admit that as a retired lawyer
Lumbux, I feel for you friend, you must be in agony. But if she has found someone else, for whatever her reasons are, your better off without her, I know it doesn't feel like it now at this moment, but you are or you will be better off in the future, honestly. What I find most disturbing is what appears to be her cruel actions towards you. It's as if she's trying to hurt you deliberately. As WCP mentioned, solicitors, if their doing their job properly, will be doing what's best for their client, so you could end up stitched up. Basically what I'm saying is, do what's right for you and the children. If she's as heartless as she appears to be, you are far better off without her in your life. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better, honestly, and hopefully in the future, you'll find space in your heart to love someone else who isn't as cruel and heartless as your wife appears to be.
Hiya lumbux, can I be blunt? you mentioned you had 3 daughters. I know they are quite young but If any of your daughters later on in life, suffered your circumstances and came to you for advice, what would you say to them?
Thats a hard one, as where I am now is still not good, so right now the advice will be not to get married!! I’m guessing this advice will change over time. Had my darkest day ever on Saturday, that was it could take no more, left the house, posted my keys through the door and left. All because the wife came into the bedroom woke me up and then got changed with me there. I would give anything to see here naked again and the fact that she still seem comfortable with it just switch something in my brain. I didn’t even look at her, it was just the fact that I knew she was like that feet away from me. So I went and drove around for 200 miles, went and walked in the woods, got lost, found the car went to my mums. As I said to her I always thought bikes wouldn’t kill me not her. Still very down, have tried to get help but really need to see someone face to face and that’s not happening at the moment. But I get to keep the Ducati, although I can’t bring myself to do anything to it as I don’t want it to remind my of bad times. My girls are all ok, the middle one that took it hardest seem to be cheering up, the house has basically been argument free for a week, a few words but no shouting and screaming. I really appreciate all your support and with a big of freedom next year hopefully I can put names to faces.
Lumbux, that's heart breaking behaviour from your wife. She's obviously got some very deep issues which I guess will come back to haunt her at some stage. Has she always been thoughtless and self centred? If you can seek out a counselor do so, this is the link that my GP gave me recently when I was in dire straights over relationship issues. It seems that, for my locality anyway, counselling isn't something that the NHS provides any more, you have to pay for it. My surgery is pretty dreadful TBH, can't wait to move.
Sounds to me like she's enjoying the attention and validation from both parties. It's probably a tall order right now, but try just ignoring her, make plans to go out yourself, leaving her with babysitting duties.
Sorry to hear about your situation divorce is never going to be pleasant especially when you have kids ,but things are not going to get better while your both living under the same roof, you can't move on with her and her belongings all around. this lockdown makes it harder as you can't rent a room for a few months or live at family or friends to get away get all the help that is available to you and like others have said try not to take any meds.There is light at the end of the tunnel but it can be a bloody long tunnel
Counselling places round here are open, with social distancing. It'd be worth knocking on the doors of local counselling services. Face to face will help so much more than an anonymous phone call... Hang in there - it's her that should be leaving, not you. Try your best not to let her hound you out of your home. Edit: ^^^^^ that's what I let happen to me. Always here if you want to chat.
I'm not (wasn't) a family lawyer (but do have direct personal experience ) but I don't think this makes any difference these days, apart from which @Lumbux isn't at the divorce proceedings stage yet iirc. However, it does make it bloody difficult to get back in when you get home unless someone else is in.
