CONTESTANTS on Bullseye. Give your address as the Moon, that way, if you lose, your 'bus fare home' will amount to several million pounds.
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.
UTILITY companies. Encourage customers to go to 'paperless billing' and online account management to help the environment. It has the added benefit of rendering them helpless when you overcharge them as they have no bills to check through and your computer can 'mysteriously freeze their on-line account.' It makes it almost impossible for them to prove you are a bunch of robbing bastards.
BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
FOOTBALL fans with a lisp. Support Barcelona so as you can shout for your team without appearing stupid.
A squeeze of toothpaste on an elastic band makes an inexpensive substitute for chewing gum, so much better for your teeth too!
FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
FOOL PEOPLE into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several litres of ink and farting everytime someone startles you.
Noooooo!!!! Lol I had one!! She used to help Royal Mail deliver mail faster. By making the poor postie run like the wind!!
Speed it up by ten , up the volume, switch on the Hoover and put objects so they half obscure Telly .... Jobs a gud un
DIY ENTHUSIASTS. Make your approach more professional by starting 3 days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and shaking your head at regular intervals
MEN. Ensure your marriage proposal comes as a complete surprise by asking your girlfriend while she's having a poo.
HEAVY DRINKERS: When very drunk and taking a dump, never under any circumstances stop to blow your nose when wiping your arse.
COMMUTERS: Make sure you get a seat on a crowded bus by carrying a raw egg & a hanky. Pretend to sneeze loudly into the hanky whilst crushing the egg inside it & allow the yolk/white to drip through....
MUMS. OUT of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding “Jesus” after “Happy Birthday.”
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90°, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
STUDENTS. When asked to write a 3000 word essay, simply draw 3 pictures, as they are worth 1000 words each.
