"Doctor Doctor, I can`t stop singing The green green grass of home." "that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Its not unusual."
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
A precocious little girl, dressed all in pink with satin and bows went into her local petshop and asked "Do you have any widdle wabbits pwease?" The shopkeeper replied "Do you want a wickle, cuddwy wuddwy white one or a nice fwuffy wuffy bwack one?" She replied, ever so sweetly "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fwying f**k, do you?"
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. So, the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he says: "That's correct, how did you know?" "You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it." They go on and they have sex. Then she says: "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist." "How can you know?" he asks. "I didn't feel a thing...!"
A mate rang the other night & said, "Switch the telly on, Ulrika's doing the weather & she isn't half showing her age!"
The local radio station are running a competition today to win either £100 shopping voucher or two tickets to see an Elvis Tribute act... I don't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little old lady to shout "BINGO" Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because all of those men already have boyfriends.
When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, just like my Grandad. Not screaming, yelling and crying........ like the passengers on his bus.
One hot July day a couple found this old straggly cat at their door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. They felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so they named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let them know when they could come and get her. The husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." The husband and my Vet didn't see eye to eye. He called hubby El Cheap-O, and hubby called him El Take-O. The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which was located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announced to hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!"
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course, the woman is very skeptical in believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, getting very frustrated, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles and, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it on her husband's testicles. Amazing, it also work on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his testicles. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the heck happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place."
Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of hmv. "Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd love to have legs like her." She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset. I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what`s the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she`d have sex with the Postman for £500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the Postman for £500,000...?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said Hell yes I would!" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she`d have sex with her Teacher for £500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your Teacher for £500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said `Hell yes I would!`" The father answers: "Okay son, here`s the deal: Hypothetically, we`re millionaires, but in reality, we`re just living with a couple of whores."
The Adverts say that Carlsberg is probably the best lager in the world! well I dont thinks so, I found half a can on my garden wall this morning and it tasted like pish!
ookoff Another old favourite: Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac? Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in. Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn? Customer : I guess so. I'll take one. Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer? Customer : Um, okay. Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long. Customer : I'll take one of those too. After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for." Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in. Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please. Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too? Man: Why would I want to do that? Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
New iPhone The new iPhone 5 will be on sale soon... I've checked with Apple. The shop said there is a two year waiting list and I was number 2,794,587,692! What's the cost? It doesn't matter what it costs, I'm getting one. -click below: iPhone
