"Daddy, what comes after 'U'?" said the little girl doing her homework. "Usually your mother with a dildo," said her dad.
Today I saw my wife crying and praying for her mother's recovery. I went over and said, "Stop praying. It doesn't work." "How do you know?" she sobbed. "If it worked," I said, "She would have been dead a long time ago."
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district. "Hey, Handsome, how about it?" "You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more." "Ah, come on," says the whore, "it'll be really nice." After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whore's bed he rides her like a fucking god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can't believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break. "Wow, old man," says the whore, exhausted, "that was such a great fuck. And you said you couldn't manage it any more?" "Oh I can still fuck, Honey," says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay." [/TD] [TD="align: right"] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
Women are like iPhones: you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BlackBerry's: rub one ball and everything moves.
Last night I dropped two pins several times to see which would land first. Each time I tried, they landed at exactly the same time. I should have expected it really, they were drawing pins.
I decided we should start trampolining classes in our newly converted loft. My wife went through the roof.
A man visited his friends after having a sex change. "Did it hurt when they chopped your balls off?" The friend asked. "Yeah, but it hurt more when they shrunk my brain and widened my gob."
My kids are at that awkward age at the moment. Too old to be cute and too young to kick out of the fucking house.
My mate said today that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So to prove him wrong I threw a coconut at his face. I proved him wrong!
Apparently German cars now have the lowest CO2 ratings on the market. Making up for all the gas they used in the 1940s?
My mum caught me going through her drawers and sniffing her knickers. "Daniel Joseph Smith!" she yelled. "Go to your room immediately and think about what you've done". So I did. And it resulted in a wank.
A guy came into my tattoo parlour. He said, "I want a tattoo of a famous postman somewhere on my body, can you please help me sir?" So I gave him a pat on the back.
If there's one thing I've learnt from watching the news about the criminal mind, it's that murderers love shopping in petrol stations.
All workers at a gas plant in the US rocked by explosions have been accounted for after officials initially feared as many as 15 people had been killed. They were all at the burger van across the road.
